Demiurgically Devoid

Dear Blog

2006-05-08T01:34:00.000+10:00

Dear Blog,

I'm really sorry that I've neglected you for so long. Not only did I leave without a word, I'll come clean and tell you that I've gone back to my old habit of lurking on other blogs as well.
I realise that we should never have been unrealistic in our relationship. I should've made it clear upfront that I'm a somewhat random character that doesn't like being tied down. I'd like to start over with you again, though I think we'll have to face it that I need some space from time to time. I really hope you understand.

Love,

KW

XoXoXoX

My sincere apologies for the incredibly long absence. I honestly thought that I probably wouldn't write another word on my blog. It's been ages since i've been here. Was terribly busy as soon as I got back for the summer holidays (in december, I knowww ><) as i did an internship in a Kuala Lumpur accounting firm. I couldn't find the time to do anything then really!! waking up early, going to work and coming home feeling all drained was my daily grind. I put it down to the fact that I wasn't used to all that gruelling hours. Certainly made me treasure my student life much more! Been back in Melbourne for a couple of months now and autumn weather has reared its muggy, chilly head. Well, let's see what my blog has missed during my absence. 1. Brokeback Mountain hit the silver screens with much expected controversy 2. My friend CF found love
3. Wingedman Will found his other half as well
4. Jay and NM still hold the award for the sweetest couple
5. All the things i went through at work, though it wasn't all that exciting
6. How I have been so confused about so many things, from my career, to what I want in life

Of course there are soooo many other things but I can't really recall at this point.

Work was good thanks to fun colleagues. Had to go out to the client's in Cyberjaya for about two months though. Can you imagine the daily commute!!
I have done an internship before this at my dad's friend firm which wasn't nearly as big as the one I was recently with. I therefore expected the recent one to be terribly glamourous and all..
but it turned out to be plain old work. And that certainly taught me not to expect too much. I used to imagine beautiful people in beatiful suits, all looking like New York Investment bankers ala 'the apprentice' but that went out the window. Everything was just.. so.. normal... I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. The line of service I was in had rhodes scholars and all them other brainiacs but they still worked like normal people. Nothing fantabulous.

All this led me to wonder whether I was prepared to do this for the rest of my life. Seeing that I'm one of them instant gratification type people (I blame it on society and its drive for instant everything :D) imagine the years of slogging I'd have to endure before I actually get anywhere. This is the point of realization that nothing comes easy.

The thinking and contemplation on various things in my life have recently put me in a state of confusion! I really have to try and live in the moment rather than be the worry wort that I usually am ><>

Random Shot of Melbourne Central on the corner of Swanston and LaTrobe at night

Still here!!

2005-11-29T03:06:00.000+11:00

Sorry guys! haven't blogged since forever! I assumed that after the finals i'd have more time to blogged but boy was i wrong. I usually blog at night, and ever since exams were over i've been out late all the time. But guess what! i'm back in M'sia!! yay me! Flew alone but it wasn't so bad, at least there was another student next to me, so can talk talk abit lah. Haven't done much since i got back on last monday.. mamak for most of it. Did meet up with Chris tho... :D

My internship starts on Thursday... ! so soon!! i was looking forward to it before, but now i'm a little anxious.. dunno how i'll do.. i do wanna make a good impression. I'll be working all the way till the 17th of February!! that's like forever!! :'(

Oh pooh.. there really hasn't been much going on in my life. Funny thing though, there was this letter on Derek's blog that i liked a lot, and just recently i was thinking of printing it and leaving it around in hope that my mom would read it. And on the very same day.. my mom was reading a blog, and there was the same letter!!! i was like holy shit..!! i turned around and she was reading that very letter.. so i just said, "oh, i've read that letter before.. pretty well written." Don't think she even finished reading it though. But it was just really cool that she had to read the very same letter on a random blog. (She likes to blog hop.. lets hope she doesn't bump into mine! >_<

Anyway... going to airport to pick bro up. He noes about my blog now.. if you do read this, stop reading bich! heheh

Of Ketupats and Rendang..

2005-11-03T01:11:00.000+11:00

OMg. It’s HOT down here in Melbourne!! We’re talking 30 degrees kinda hot! And with no a/c and no car, there’s no way to escape the heat! I had a horrible headache all day. Must be dehydration. In fact I still have it right now. Today marks the last day of Ramadhan and fasting. That’s right! No more containing my horniness till après-sunset! *evil grin* I’m so going to hell for this aren’t I? Oh no, wait wait.. I think I’d be going to hell for oogling at this guy for a full 10 mins at the Malaysia Airlines office just now. Hot Hot Hot! And I’m NOT talkin bout the weather!

<>Tomorrow will be Eid-il-Fitr, or better known as Hari Raya! This’ll be my first Hari Raya away and I’m totally not feeling it. Yet. At least I’ve got my Brahim’s Rendang sauce and my mom sent me some instant ketupat thingees. That’s as close to a Hari Raya feast as I can get. On a typical Hari Raya, we’d be back in my mom’s hometown all the way up in Kuala Terengganu. Nothing much ever happens up there, but it’s just fun hanging out with the family. I suppose this is a turning point in my life, where I actually have a life of my own. Sigh.. the inevitable…

Anyways, Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Diwali to everyone. Hope you guys get a relaxing holiday to recharge. Enjoy!

P.S. I just noticed the missed calls from you foolycooly! Sorry, I tukar ringtone and I guess it was too soft. Call u in abit!

3/4 Merdeka!

2005-10-25T17:52:00.000+10:00

Yay!! Just finished 3 of 4 papers.. I dunno how I'll do.. although I have a feeling my average will drop this sem.. :(

Anyways.. lookiie what I saw in '7-11' a few days ago!! truly a WTF moment.

Ais-Krim 'Masa Emas Bapuk'

Yes, that's right... Have yourself a golden gaytime today!! Why would they name an ice-cream stick that?! They might as well have had it rainbow colored with lambda's et al. I can imagine fags getting really excited about it though! (i.e. Moi) hehe. I bet the 7-11 girl can tell the fags just by who buys this ice-cream..

So yeah.. I had my golden gaytime.. Even if i had to pay for it. hmph.
Now i just need someone to share my golden gaytimes with!

Edit: That is NOT my hand!!! It's my friend's and yes she's a girl! :P

I am going to kill you Chris!!

2005-10-16T00:39:00.001+10:00

That's right Chris!! *stab stab* hahaha. I jealous gila babi!! He's in Malaysia meeting the other bloggers.... dammit lah.. !! and he just started blogging only recently.. dengkilah i! I can't wait for the end of the year when we'll get to go out and do crazy stuff!

Sorry guys .. haven't been checking my blog much! the thing is, when i don't update i feel guilty to the point that i'm scared to check my blog.. i'm such a freak lah. But i really appreciate u guys commenting!!

Recently some of my friends found out that i've been blocking them on MSN. Not good. The thing is, when i have nothing to say to someone, i start feeling it rude that i'm online and not having a conversation with them. That's where the blocking begins. I've blocked evryone before including my best friend and my high school friends except of course my mom as a strict rule. (yes, i'm a freak) So yeah.. had to do some friend-maintenance just now. In case you ever read my blog, so sorry SL.

Came out to another friend recently. She was telling me how she had no gay frens etc. and i was like sniggering in my mind. She was saying that some of her friends were wondering why gay men have AIDS and one of them actually said "I think they develop it". When my friend told me that i was laughing my ass off. Like whateverrrrrrrrr!!! Thank god u didn't agree SP!!

Me: OMG, it just hit me! You know who's gay??? You have to promise you won't tell anyone!
NOT a single soul!
SP: Ohmygod! WHO? do you know the person
Me: Yeah, can say okaylahhh
SP: Do I know the person?
Me: Well.. hmm.. yess.. yes you do.
SP: WHO IS IT??? Malaysian ah? in our gang or not?
Me: Yeaps
SP: tell meee!!!
Me: It's me.. haha

And then she let out this 'aww' which i still don't know what it meant. Later i learnt that prior to me coming out, she already told her sis she suspected i was gay. Not good lah, they're all starting to catch on! *eek*

Exams are starting to creep closer... and i haven't been friggin studying!! fuck me!
i'm so screwed!! It's always like this evryyy exam. And what's worse is that today is the big Caulfield Cup Race day at the horse racecourse nearby. As i look out my window i see tons of pretty women all dressed up with their fancy hats annddd flocks of HOT men walking past my window in yummy suits. Pink ties on white shirts are just so so hot *cringe*

How to study like that ah? I'm Fuckd.

I'm too blur to think of a title right now!

2005-10-06T22:45:00.000+10:00

hey evryone... yeah, i've been away... had my hols last week so kinda just got even lazier than usual!! Didn't do ANYTHING!! Well.. anything productive at least. Just spent way too much money! which means i'm broke :'(

I just noticed something, when i don't update my blog i NEVER surf the other blogs. Not for anything but for the guilt that i haven't updated my blog. Aren't i horribly weird?! It's like i feel like i should not be rewarded unless i do my work.. hehe. That explains why i only comment/lurk when i post something new up.

I met up with ExecutorLouis as well as foolycooly last sunday. It was my first time going out and meeting complete strangers thing ... so it was really really weird at first!! I was like freaking out! We were suppossed to meet at the Big Nike store in Melbourne and when i got there i was like "what am i doing here?? eek!!" I've always thought that meeting people from the internet was just not my thing, but i just did it anyway.. so yay me!

I did have some inhibitions because little 'gay' things like meeting up with other gay malaysians, affirms my sexuality little by little and I'm probably in a little bit of denial still, so it takes a little bit of brain-shoving to get me going. What's worse is that i finished 'the line of beauty' by alan hollinghurst just before i met up with the guys, and that book makes the gay life seem so morbid!! I was NOOOTT in the mood to affirm my gay side that day.

But so yeah, We went to this coffee place in the city called St. Jeromes (another link here, at the bottom of the page) in the city, introduced by foolycooly. It was this really cool little coffee place that was unpretentious in it's low-maintenance feel, so much so that it actually made it look pretentiously bohemian.. hehe.. me likey! It was fun, just hanging out with some other gay malaysians, and being able to use the G-word without fear. :D

Started fasting yesterday. Puasa starts at about 4.20 am and gets earlier evryday! Fasting means no porn before 6.30 pm. And for a whole month! Dammitlah.

anyways... i 'll be posting a little less than my already miserable frequency, coz my exams are up in 2 weeks. :( I'll definitely be free-er after a few weeks.. and i'm looking forward to that!

hmmm.. i think i'll go lurk around now that i've got a new post! :D catcha guys latr!

Kelab-ing

2005-09-24T13:15:00.000+10:00

It was my second time clubbing last night. Went to twofivefive on Swanston St. with a bunch of friends. When we first got in, we were just standing around talking, porbably coz we weren't in the groove yet. That's of course until the drinks came. That club has got to be the MOST ASIAN club I have ever seen. No exaggerations when i say that there were more white people in the club back at home.

The ppl there weren't too bad. Not terribly hot, but not too shabby either. I was sooooo trying hard to stare at some girls' asses but alas, still no reaction. Dammit.

Sitting there, I was wondering, What's really the motivation for going clubbing. I'm guessin it's the alcohol and the dancing. Which is really funny coz all you do is move your body and try your best to look sexy (something that i am inept at). And i don't drink, which is horrible coz i pay more for my raspberry water than my frens do for their beers. Hmph. And raspberry water, how gay is that.. haha.. I also noticed how i sing along to the girly songs like Mariah Carey and Beyonce.. tsk tsk

I personally am the lurker kind. I'd rather sit there and watch people. Observe how they dance, rate the ppl.. so much funner :D Watching beautiful people do their thing. Which is why you'd somtimes be able to see me at Gloria Jean's on Sultan Ismail instead of in the clubs.

But being in a straight club sucks! Sitting there, I was all jealous that i didn't have someone to dance and get close to. At first I saw a guy that kept looking in my direction. Not bad, kinda cute. Even when i was standing alone I was convinced that he was looking at me. I was like hmm.. this isn't too bad.. But guess what, 2 hours later he attempts to pick up one of the girls I was with. Maybe he was just checking to see if i was 'with' them. But seriously, this mind-fucking is TIRING. Is he gay, is he not gay? was he looking at me? Sheeessh... Everytime i get mind-fucked i feel like shit coz it reminds me how hard it is being gay in a straight world.

Which is why, I should just stick to gay clubs instead. Clubbing sans the mind-fuck. I haven't gone to a gay club before but I so wanna go though.. I'm on hols now but there's no one to go with :(

So anyone of you free to come down to Melbourne and take me out? :D

Double Whammy!

2005-09-19T03:05:00.000+10:00

Wham! Hit number one!.... Wham! Hit number two!

Yes... it was a weird day yesterday.... I was chatting with my mom on msn when i told her about me having mexican food down town. I told her that my friend suggested it, and this led her to assume that i went with just one other friend.

Mummy: Which friend did u go with? Your Girlfriend?
Me: :P
Me: No Way.. hahah..

….. Conversation Continues…..

Mummy: Oh ok. So Who’s your girlfriend.

Me: I mana ada girlfriend

Mummy: U no girlfriend nanti I susah hati.

Me: yyyyy??

Mummy: Why? Nanti instead of having girlfriends u got boyfriends. God forbid.

Long Pause. Me thinking. OMG. SOAB. What the hell am I gonna say! Should I just come out now?? Naahh. I’ll wait. If I do it I’ll definitely want to do it vis-à-vis.

Me: Huh? Eeee.. Malu I, My friend is here. Thank god he didn’t read what u said! And I can’t believe u just called me that. (I really couldn’t.. hehe.. and notice how I didn’t deny anything :)

Mummy: Just worried, that’s all. And I didn’t call u anything.

And my friend was staying over coz his electrivity went out, so that probably didn’t help with my mom’s suspicions. All my life I always thought my parents had no idea about me. I still think they don’t but they may be catching on to me.. ugh. I shall have to leave some straight porn lying around my room to get the scent off me for awhile.. hehe.

That was hit number one. Hit number two was the next morning, when my friend woke up. I was doing my assignment and he said he’d show me his. He sat down to download it from his email and I left the room to get some water. I came back, sat down, went back to work, and like ten minutes later he was sitting on the bed and he looked up and said, “K, I need to ask you something. I was downloading the file when I…..”

Remember the ‘10 billion times worse porn’ from my last post? Well it decided to show up now… that little soab. I just interrupted him and said.. “yeah, now you know.”

The thing is, he was like one of the last people that I would’ve have told, coz u noe.. sometimes u can just tell that with some people, nothing would come out of revealing THE secret identity. It was kind of weird for a moment, not that I freaked out. And he asked me… “so, did you have a thing for me?”. In my mind I was like OMG, as if! But I just told him no…

I’m just wondering.. if bad luck comes in threes I wonder what’s the next one.. Knowing me it’ll probably be something like me sending a bunch of gay porn pics to everyone in my address book.

Hmm… At least that would settle the whole coming out crap..

"eeeeeee...... omg... i can't believe they're doing that!"

2005-09-16T01:39:00.000+10:00

Just got back from a friend's place. We had curry!! Boy .. after all the burgers and stuff I must say it's a pretty pleasant change! So yeah, we hung out a bit. The thing is nobody ever brings any topics into discussion. In fact, I'm the one working hard trying to make sure the conversations don't die. I hate awkward silences.

Anyway, after all that, we turned the telly on, and there was this show 'Bob & Rose' that just came on. Haven't heard of it, but i'm guessing some of u would've. It was the first episode showing so that was good. I think it's about Bob, a gay guy.. who starts falling in love with Rose, a straight woman. I don't know much else about it because obviously we only watched one episode but I absolutely LOVED the black brit humour... Hilarious!! I was watching it with 2 girls and another guy (who i'm out to). At the start there was this part where Bob, the gay guy starts snogging another guy. And the two girls that I was with started squealing!!!! I mean seriously loud squealing.. at 1 am!! practically woke up the other units! They were like "OMG they're kissing.. omgggg..!" And there i was, sitting there thinking "what's so weird??? i watch porn 10 billion times worse than that everyday!!"

What I find perfectly natural is just SOOO alien... so unnatural to them! I was surprised bcoz I really wasn't aware that it was THAT big a deal for the layman malaysian. Imagine.. I think straight kissing is perfectly normal, and just because they haven't been brought up in a society that is used to gay kissing, it's like just too friggin weird for them. Now THAT is the power of socialization!!

I definitely have a lot to learn about others' thoughts on our lifestyle!
Just when I thought people were starting to get okay with it...let's hope exposures like this help change them a little. Although I seriously doubt that.

La beauté du mystère...

2005-09-14T21:31:00.000+10:00

Oh the beauty of mystery! I was just reading all the blogs on my read list, when it hit me.. I think half the fun in reading all these anonymous gay blogs are the fact that there's some mystery about the author. It's like hmm... I wonder if he's a nice guy in real life... or .. wow... he sounds hot from his writings.. hehe.

I noe.. it's horrible, and it doesn't help that i'm a desperate high-school girl! sheesh.. And the thing is, I get like blog-crushes and stuff :'( "It would be so cool if i had Mr. * of the *** blog."

What makes a person/author so alluring? I think most of all, what evryone desires is a lover that's interesting. I mean u wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with someone that's all boring and stuff. Also, I think a sense of homour goes a loongggg way.

But i'm not interestinnnggggggg.... !! I soo have to start writing more funny, interesting stuff... "quick KW, quick!! think..! you're NOT gonna bag someone being all boring and stuffy.. "

But waitaminit... I'm demiurgically devoid!! Oh SHIT! i'm screwed for LIFE!!

*Runs away wailing*

And I quote...

2005-09-14T21:01:00.000+10:00

Jack, the character who has always been in love with another character Ennis said:

"Tell you what, we could a had a good life together, a fuckin real good life. You wouldn't do it, Ennis, so what we got now is a Brokeback Mountain. Everything built on that. It's all we got, boy, fuckin all, so I hope you know that if you don't never know the rest. Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years. Measure the fuckin short leash you keep me on, then ask me about Mexico (refers to homosexual relationships) and then tell me you'll kill me for needin' it but not hardly never gettin' it. I can't make it on a couple a high-altitude fucks once or twice a year. You're too much for me, Ennis, you son of a whoreson bitch. I wish i knew how to quit you."

Luv this quote I do!

The Brokeback Mountain

2005-09-12T16:26:00.000+10:00

A spring shower falls gently outside. I am in my room, staring out the window.

<>
Just moments before, I had flipped the last leaf of Brokeback Mountain. A short story by Annie Proulx in her collection of stories; Close Range: Wyoming Stories.

It’s the first time I’ve cried from reading a book. The author wrote with such invention. Somehow it wasn’t out rightly sad, but it was the way in which she used simple details to evoke a connection with the character’s feelings. It was a great read. Yes, it’s Gay Literature, but at least it’s from a Pulitzer prize winner. You guys should have a read, if you haven’t already. It’s only about 35 pages.

The motion-picture directed by Ang Lee, based on this book is coming out at the end of this year.

I really do want to watch it, but I also really want to have someone to watch it with.

Silent Sigh........

A Perversion?

2005-09-06T21:14:00.000+10:00

Recently I've ran out of space to download the rest of the 1st season of desperate housewives. Out of desperation to find out what goes on in the series, I resorted to reading the transcripts of the later episodes and wound up reading the whole season. It was when I read the 19th episode when Bree referring to her son's claimed homosexuality said

Bree: "Your father is into S & M."
Rex: "Bree!"
Bree: "He makes me beat him with a riding crop, and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."

After reading that I started wondering.. Clearly Bree saw homosexuality as a perversion. And I'm guessing that a lot of straight people who don't understand homosexuality would agree with her. The question is, what makes something sexually perverse?

There exists a variety of deviant sexual activities that a minority may participate in, including Rex's S&M, Jay and his ever so infamous 'scat' (pleaaasee don't show up 0n google) and other things like bestiality, incest et al.

Sooo.. does this mean that homosexuality is up there with the other stuff too?? If it is, does that imply that homosexuals should give the same respect to the other 'deviants' as homosexuals themselves demand from society? That would mean that we would have to come to accept things like incest. OMG... soon it'd be the "L.G.B.T.I.S&M" ...hehe.. We've always demanded equality from society... so does that mean that incests should be given a right to do what they want?

So now the question is... who defines what is morally right? We've always tried to say that there's nothing wrong with being gay... but what if a brother and sister, or a father and daughter start saying that there's nothing wrong with incest relationships. I mean they both love each other, and they're not hurting anybody else, so why stop them? (Actually.. I'm curious whether incest is a crime just like homosexuality is..)

I can't really think of a way to differentiate homosexuality from the other perversions except that I feel that being gay is linked more towards genetics than it is to socialization. But what if some scientists start to prove that being incest or having bestial desires are probably genetic as well... boy will our society be reallyyyy weeirrdddd... I mean soon they'll legalize incest marriages and mayb even inter-species ones as well. I think that's where religion comes in.. to try and limit the almost limitless human mind. Just as how law is trying to create order in society, so to is religion. This may really be the actual reason why so many people are against gay marriages... not because it's bad.. in fact there is NOTHING WRONG with it if you ask me.. But it's probably more to do with the fear that soon, anything will go. Of course some may say that there's nothing wrong with a liberal society.

This post is not to make clear my opinions on the issue, for i actually have none.. I just wanna see what other people think abt it.. so do leave a comment.. thx!

Sorry guyss!!

2005-08-30T00:43:00.001+10:00

I noe it's been forever since my last post but it's just that the mood swings are here again...!!
It's gone away.. let's just hope it doesn't come back..

I have such issues.....! evrytime i don't feel good i start to withdraw myself... i don't go out as much.. i don't chat much.. i don't even read blogs... in fact i haven't read one since my last post... including my own blog. Even thought of like giving up in this blog.. but hey.. i'll just make it more of a periodic than a daily journal...

what i have been doing though is... catching up on Desperate Housewives..!
I am just soo much more a plumber kind of person than a gardener... unless you're talkin bout the gay gardener.. (licks lips)

I had a chat with my friends spanky tonite and we both came to the conclusion that we're attracted to success.. OMG.... i'm gonna fall for some OLD OLD rich guy...( starts imagining Hugh Heffner )

So the question du jour isss.... would you like a hot guy that's so-so success wise? or a not-so hot successful one..??

I suppose we should consider that a gay relationship would be different than a straight one...
Gay relationships would porbly involve less of the older partner taking care of the younger one (so i think).. coz after all we're all still guys.. and we have big ass egos...
(But a li'l blue box or some monograms here and there wouldn't hurt now would it? ;)

Drawing from that, we'd probly not always make the practical decision of choosing the succesful one bcoz our decision is motivated by different needs... unlike a straight girl that's looking for a succesful husband to care for her..

Another thing that i've noticed... the asians i noe are more likely to measure success in monetary terms.. therefore.. success would be higher on the list of 'specifications' for an asian including me. I think i'd be completely different if i settled down somewhere else.. i'd probly be a bit more comfortable of living a plebeian life here in Aussie than i would back home.. mayb bcoz i'm like kiasu back home ....coz as u noe, u have to keep up with the joneses.

so whatever..

i'm off to look for hot possibly gay guys from the oxford and cambridge alumni page .. hehe

-Advertisement-

"young, single and lonely guy seeks company of other men*. E-mail demiurgicallydevoid@gmail.com ."

*Must have a degree from oxbridge or ivy league*

*While we're at it.. must be hot too*

*oh what the hell.... a 9 inch 'tenderness' wouldn't hurt either*

Remember girls... looks are fleeting... but a big fat shiny 10 carat princess cut is forever

p.s. i noe that the flow of this post wasn't right.... but heck it... i'm flaky

Laporan Lawatan ke Gunung Buller

2005-08-15T22:28:00.000+10:00

Got up at 4 am to catch the 5 am train to the city. And talk about Malaysian time! Evryone was late! we wound up gettin on the 5.40 train and almaost missed the travel agent's bus up to Mount Buller. Evryone went skiin except for me.. i just sat there in the snow and read a book.. Talk about borring...! damned foot. built a snow person tho' :D

Encik Snow Person

I didn't have anything to use for his eyes so i had to use some chips i had in my bag.. hehe.. talk about yummy eyes. I must've looked like a retard making a snow man in the very busy alps. But whatever... when i went to get a snack i came back and ppl were taking pictures with my snow man.. them lazy biches.. build your own!

Suprisingly, it wasn't that cold up there.. The only other time i've seen snow would be when we went to Mt. Ruapehu ( or something) which was a live volcano in NZ. there was some volcanic activity which meant the snow village was closed.. and the snow was all black and icky.. so yay me.. i've seen white snow.

OMg... i have to learn how to blog more interestingly... Jay and Will and the other bloggers should give classes on creative writing ..hehe

it's queer week at another campus of my uni... not that i have the guts to show up there. *sigh*

Esok I panjat itu gunung

2005-08-13T00:07:00.000+10:00

Hey y'all... going up to mt. buller 2moro.... Evryone's going to ski except for meeeee :(
I didn't wanna go coz they'd all be skiing.. but they've decided to drag me along.... (to be honest.. i was thinking of going to commercial road.. the gay district in Melbourne to have a peek at the nightlife while they were away.. but looks like that's not happening.. dammit)

Y am i not skiing? bcooozzz.. i friggin sprained my ankle last week... All bcoz i was rushing out of my house to try and scare sumone. Sheessh.. it wasn't even worth it coz he saw me b4 i could sneak up on him.

Nywayss... i'll have another post up on sunday.. hopefully if i don't like break a leg or something.. Blieve me, it's liable to happen even without me skiing. The clumsy oaf i am.

*wondering who gives a flyin f. what i'm doing 2moro anyways :D*

ta ta

As the euphoria wears off...

2005-08-08T17:46:00.001+10:00

The euphoria of having this new toy is starting to wear off. My dad always said that i have a short aattention span, and guess what? I've proven him right, yet again.

Blogging is definitely not as easy as it seems is it? I'm sure you'd all agree. Especially for orang-yang-kurang-pandai like me, it's such a chore to think of what to write about. What's worse is other ppl would be reading it and u always try your best to make at least sommmeee sense in your blog. hehe.. It's just that nothing interesting ever happens in my life. I mean how interesting can a simple college student's life be anyway? ...without them frat parties and stuff :9

Recently i've been feeling rather down :(

I bet evryone goes thru some days thinking how lonely they are. When i use the word lonely i mean specifically in the context of 'someone' to be with. Ubdoubtably we fill our days up with work and friends and all other things but sometimes u just can't help but wish you had somebody there for you.

I confess that I have never been in love. It's always been me, myself and I. I've never let myself fall for/experiment with girls. I really wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. After all love and sexuality in my opinion are completely separate. I'm pretty sure i'd be able to fall in love with a girl just as easy as i would with a boy. The thing is i have no sexual attraction at all to girls. I always ask my female friends whether they would go out with a gay guy and they'd go like "umm.. noooo... nopes. It'd be weird and it probably just won't work out."

This sucks. I'd sit next to a guy in lectures and my mind would wonder.. how nice it would be if i could lean my head on his shoulders. I'm not in a place where it's all about sex. It's nothing like that.. just someone to hold and talk and cuddle and laugh with. But then my brain tells me like 'helooooooo... what're u thinking... they're all straight!' and i'm alone again, naturally. What's worse is that i'll beat myself up by saying that if i was straight i'm pretty sure that i would've found someone by now and it'd be so much easier :( Some people would say "hey, straight people go thru this tooooo!" but to me it just seems worse for gays when you think about not only how hard it is to find someone, but what more the many other complications like having to hide all this from you family etc.

It's kind of worrying coz i'm so desperate to find a guy that my standards have hit rock-bottom. I'd probly settle for anyone right now.. hehe.... this is nooott goooood.

I read somewhere abt how Harry Potter is gay coz he lives in a closet, and practices 'poofery' hehe.. Well.. i'm harry too.. And it sucks i tell you! Going over to friends places and they pull out frenster and start checkin out the chix and the gurls would be trying to pair me up with their hot frens. both the guys and gals would ask me why i've never dated and they'll start prying about whom i've had a crush on etc. It's just soooo tiring making all of it up! I've come clean with a lot of my close friends.. but some of the frens i noe are just not 'outing' material.

What's the solution to all this?? the most obvious would be to get some gay frens and start meeting ppl. But it's just sooo much more easier said than done. I wouldn't noe where to start! some might think that unless i'm willing to come out of the closet i should stop whining coz it's so much harder to have what u want while still hiding in that almari, but it's so hard to take the plunge.

Welll.. i've bitched enuff about my life. This would be my first official bitch/whine post. Dun worry tho.... i don't expect my blog to be one of them prepertual whining ones.. just the occasional blues here and there.

The Signs...

2005-07-28T00:07:00.000+10:00

Before that..thanks to all that have read/commented on my blog.. it's been great that some people actually read my random ramblings..

Being a gay man... i'd say that one of the most essential tools needed would be a gaydar. Not them crappy low-end ones.. we're talking satellites and laser beams and stuff..

Although it's an inate ability, i've always wondered what it is about someone that makes him come-off as gay? U noe what i mean.. just the other day i was in a lecture theatre and with my roving eyes i spotted a group of guys that i'm convinced are gay.. i think :) (my gaydar's one of those cheapies u find at reject shop)

Well anyway, i started thinking what was it that qualified some guys as gay looking? so here's an UNexhaustive list of signs that i've come to use.. it's certainly notabsolute and it does rely heavily on stereotypes.. but whatever :D

1. Comes from an all boys school... like me!.. hehe... I remember someone telling me that they did some research years back about the schools which prduced the most 'sexual deviants' and they found my school to be like the worst (or best heh heh).. I dunno how true this is but somehow i find that it is abit of a trend.

2. Involved in the arts... esp. a choir! I have a friend in a choir and boy are the choirs full of us! jealous me! and i have another friend in Germany who's studying music and he said like hlaf the guys there are gay... and he said they're yummy too.. i bet he's sooo getting laaiid.. again.. jealous me!

3. Spiky hair... I dunno if it's just me but i find guys who have spiky hair hot.. and gay too.. hehe.. i now alot of straight guys spike too but i dunno... the one and ONLY time that i went to a gay bar (frangipani at ceylon... i luv calling it frangi's, it's so "i go there oh so often" hehe) i found that like almost evryone had spiked hair.. only me and my friend had longer hair. Add 5 points for coloured hair

4. That look in their eyes... To me, this would be like the best sign.. when u look at someone and they look back at you, u can just see it in their eyes. It's like at the same time that you're wondering whether he's gay he's looking at you wondering whether you're gay too!

5. Talks about sex and the city... or some other not directly gay but actually oh so gay thing. In my oh so straight circle of friends nooobooddyyy actually watches satc which i happen to love. The last time i mentioned satc to a group of girls.. one of them actually gasped and said.. "okay, u must be gay" or something like that.. that accurate bitch.. heheh

6. Metrosexual but not reallyyy... Especially in Malaysia where most guys aren't all that stylish, i've come to notice that the ones that bother about how the look.. including any forms of jewellery from bone necklaces too fancy tiffany pendants (u knooowww who you are :)... and a slighlty better than average sense of style would most probably be gay.. But this doesnt apply to other countries where there actuallly aree many metrosexuals.. Back home metrosexuals are pretty rare so they tend to be homo rather than metro. My girlfriends used to think that i was metro, till i came out to them..

7. Never had a girlfriend... This one must be used together with some of the points above. U noe.. the usual "i haven't met anyone yet ".. or "too busy studying/working".. really means "I heart cock". hehe..

Hmm.. i'm sure i had summore but i just can't remember them.. will probably edit this post when i actually remember. These 'signs' are somehow more reliable back home.. in fact my gaydar uber sux here. And these signs obviously must be used together.. meaning to say each sign is not conclusive by itself.

If u guys can think of summore pls leave a comment.. !

ciao.

----EDIT----

Just adding some other signs that was sugested by my friend.. That's right! someone i noe has discovered my blog. It's fun to have someone who noes your li'l secret sometimes :D

Quoted from Spanky's comment

8. Not that into blokish sports e.g. football, rugby. Football players on the other hand...

9. Knows his Prada from his Gucci. Straight men don't seem to know fashion brands save for Adidas, Nike and Reebok.

10. Is inherently polite. Displays all the manners and attributes that would result in mothers' getting that Yay-aku-akan-menimang-cucu glint in their eyes if their daughters were to bring home such a guy. Which is brilliant...except of course that he bats for the other team.

"

Thanks to Ms. Spanky Bottoms :)

Derek also mentioned how you can tell by the way some people hold things like their glasses and stuff. Hmm...Must go and check this out :D Its starting to look like i'm writing a thesis or sumthing. hehe

Selepas itu, tambahkan sesudu garam secukup rasa...

2005-07-25T19:54:00.000+10:00

Another thing i looked forward to about living away from home was the cooking. Come on.. after all which queen doesn't want to be a naked chef or a domestic goddess. Damn nigella and jamie.. why do they have to look so delicious. So yeah, off i went into the kitchen to cook up some fantastically delicious absolutely superb dish, with no prior experience. Hmm... perencah nasi goreng adabi calls for 3 cups of rice.. so 3 cups of beras it is. How was i supposed to noe that it actually meant 3 cups of cooked rice? i must've put in like 6 cups of cooked rice into the pan. So yeah.. not a good experience. The next attempt was the lemon chicken dish.. Armed with lee kum kee lemon sauce i followed the instructions of dusting the chicken with cornflour before frying.. too busy imagining myself as a tv cooking show host, i forgot to switch on the hood and the flour started burning.. setting off the smoke alarm.. like OMG.. if i was staying in an apartment with the emergency auto-call connected to the smoke alarms the fire brigade would've been axeing down my door already.. all for 5 measly pieces of lemon chicken.. but it tasted pretty okay. But boooooooy do i miss mommy's cooking now!

Nasi Goreng attempt numbah 2.. A lliiittllee bit better but not quite there

To call emergency fire assistance, just fry lemon chicken..

OMFG.. There's a comment!!

2005-07-25T01:19:00.000+10:00

I received my first comment today.. !! Hey... it's a big deal to me at least! i noe i'm making a big fuss and all but that means that sumone has actually read my blog. Wow.. my readership has doubled.. from the one lonely reader.. to like 2 whole ppl.. heheh... quantum leap i tell yoouuuu..
I'm actually a pretty sad soul.. i'm fun but i soo don't like attention.. (lies... all queens want attention :) i mean i've like never posted a comment EVER.. from years of reading blogs.. until like 15 mins ago.. i have such issues i tell you. Oh yeah.. i just remembered.. saint sarah jessica parker came out with her own perfume. Like i was on the train and i picked up someones old paper and there it was.. 'lovely by sarah jessica parker'. I always thought of celebrities with their own perfumes as tacky.. like britney and j.lo, but i now see this in a new light.. i mean if sjp has her own perfume it can't be thaatt tacky now can it? i would actually buy her perfume.. not for me but hypothetically speaking. i still wouldn't touch britney's with a ten foot pole tho'.. sorry. let's hope i see 'lovely' downtown.. gotta get some samples :D

Bored? Come out and play

2005-07-25T00:40:00.000+10:00

Well, being here for some time now has got me bored out of my wits. No tv, and no cable. Yes, i'm so kampung okay. But anyway, i've recently came up with ways of which to entertain myself! I have resorted to coming out to frens to take up the minutes in my life..

I've been wanting to do this for quite awhile, i mean i think each person has a list of people of which he feels comfortable about coming out to. So yeah, haha, scaring my straight friends has been my latest hobby. Imagine putting THAT as my hobby when i apply for a job or something. Well, i came out to 2 girls in 2 days, because i felt like it. One of which i would so fall in love with if i was straight. Such a waste.. she's funny, and smart and all and i think the feeling is mutual. But like whatever. They took it pretty well i suppose.. i mean i expected the to anyway. But seriously i have nooo idea why i have an urge to tell them... i mean i don't even see these frens often.. mayb it was bcoz deep inside i want a harem of fag hags.. heheh.

On the side, i played poker with some frens and one of the guys i noticed was wearing a return to tiffany and co. bracelet of which i've alwaays liked.. talk about jealous.. so i asked him about it and he said his friend could get it for 100aud.. like OMG..! and he says it's reall.. and i believe him coz i have a pair of cuff links from the same line given to me as a farewell gift from a very dear friend.. and the design pretty much matches. He said they didn't pass Quality Control or something but who cares.. hehe .. looks goooooooddd! i so want one... But yeah.. this guy's pretty questionable.. He cooks and bakes and he wears tiffany bling. hmmm.. but naaahh.. i mean over here evryone i noe is soo straight that it's just sooo boring... not to mention they're like christian conservatives so that doesn't pan out very well for me... I sooo hope i find more 'interesting frens'. Guess what.. i'm 20 and i don't have any gay frens to talk too.. boo hooo.. i mean the gay people i noe have been in and out of relationships but i have never. been. kissed... well.. there was this once where my frens dog came up to me and just pecked me on the face.. like out of no where.. so my first kiss was from a bitch..!

On other things.. how does a gay guy reconcile his sexuality and his religion.. i'm muslim actually, i come from mixed parentage of malay and chinese but no one would ever noe just by looking. I definitely look chinese. But yeah, i'm not like pious or anything but i try my best to stay away from pork and do the fasting stuff... but i mean i still jerk off to guys...isn't that a wee bit hyprocritical.. i mean some ppl would think why bother at all? you're going to hell anyway.. gay and religion simply doesn't belong in the same sentence.. sigh.. i sooo wish i wasn't gay.. it would make life quite a bit easier.. but que sera sera ...

A typical day

2005-07-21T20:51:00.001+10:00

Just another normal day.. but the weather here was wonderful! windy but a nice 18 degrees. Woke up at bout ten.. and spent like an hour reading a blog that i haven't visited recently. I really enjoy reading his blog.. he's so hilarious in a bitchy camp way. Some people might be offended by his crudeness but i think it's all in good fun. And boooyy does he noe how to SHOP! anyway, after that i sauntered to class for an utterly boriiinggg lecture... i can see myself skipping a whoooleee ton o lectures this sem already.. the crap part is my assignments are like group assignment which i HATE! i've heard horror stories of getting sucky grades thanks to sucky group members. I am sooo not going to waste my marks on lazy good for nothing people.. call me kiasu but like whatever. Did a little grocer shopping.. and by groceries i actually mean snacks, bizkits and soft drinks.. i'm such a fat slut. hehe. came home.. cleaned the kitchen and stuff. surfed a little and went out for dinner with malaysian frens.. omg, i've been hanging out exclusively with malaysians and its kind of worrying.... they're nice people but i sooo need a break from all the 'lahs' hehe.. i'm still using my lahs uncionciously tho.. soo have to get that fixed lah. Wen to this chinese restaurant and ordered some chicken with ginger and shallots... sounded like some really yummy stir-fry but it turned out to be some steamed chicken in soy sauce.. and it was the thigh.. so that did NOT pan out well! i am soo the breast kinda guy ;) i barely touched it.. so basically i paid like 8 aud for a plate of white rice coz that's all i ate...
went to the crown casino and watched my frens gamble their money away.. not much.. about 30aud down the drain.. but that could like buy me sooo many other things.. had dessert at greco.. this greek place at the casino.. the cakes were pretty okay but at 8 aud a slice.. it sucks being student and all careful with money... just you wait till i make my millions.. mwahhaha And here i am after all that.. back home alone.. i hate the seperating after going out.. makes me feel so lonely.I soo have to learn to wite more interesting posts... i noticed how other blogger have like an arc in their posts.. mine just goes flat all the way.. no interesting conclusion.. in fact this it. Conlcude.

hmm.... top or bottom...

2005-07-21T20:51:00.000+10:00

I just noticed something.... reading all the other gay blogs and stuff, i think i've i noticed a trend that they're all bottoms... or at least i think they are. Their style of writing somehow always comes off all bottomy. (shut up, i noe i'm judging :) i don't what it is about it but i could be wrong..
But does this now mean that i'm a bottom as well? i really don't noe myself.
I noe of ppl who would actually say that labelling yourself is plain stupid but top and bottom really are labels that people subscribe to. The only problem now is, i have no idea what i am... i really think i'm in the middle.. but being the innocent virgin that i am, i'd probly have to experience it to noe. Being a libran doesn't help either.. hehe.. they all say that librans are fickle fickle people. i find myself more attracted to like the manly kind... so does that make me a bottom? eekk.. they should like have an online quiz for finding out whether u are a top or a bottom :)

uh-oh... big boo boo

2005-07-21T01:13:00.000+10:00

WHOOPSIEEE..... i ttthiiiinkkkkk i used the word demiurgic in the wrong context.... i think it means creative like to create... rather than creative as in artistic... but like whatever.. i suck at creating stuff anyway.. so yeah it pprobably stilll applies.... and it would be such a bitch to have to think of a new one after all that non-trouble... hehe talk about smart.

You'd have to excuse me..

2005-07-20T23:51:00.000+10:00

As a blogger nouveau, its somehow expected that your first few posts be loonngggg and terribly boorrringg... so, as to fulfill that criterion, here it is, my long boring post!

The reason i started this blog was because i realllyy enjoyed reading the other blogs like Jay's and Paul's (on my links). Being a closet, it gets pretty lonely out there and reading those blogs at least reminds me that there are other queers out there.

Back home in malaysia, i had pretty much nnoooo time to myself. Now that i'm in melbourne I find that i have absolutely nothing to do. I arrived about two weeks ago and have settled down already. It's now the first week of uni and things are pretty slooowww. Still no tutorials and the lectures are pretty light.. That leaves me with a whoollleee lot of free time. Omg its boring. My place has no tv so i'm holed up in my room staring at my pc... reading other blogs, surfing the naughties and now blogging!

I had soooo many expectations about going overseas to study... namely living out of the closet and stuff.. I mean you can't help but imagine before you leave all the wonderful 'adventures' you'd be having :) but right now its zip.. somehow i think there are more gay guys back in KL.. i mean either that or my gaydar isn't tuned to the new frequency yet. But i must say... i think the guys here are definitely yummier than the ones back home. My uni has a 'queer network' but i doubt its really active. And i'm still not sure if i'm willing to take the plunge and get my whole body out of that stupid closet. I still have inhibitions about really coming out but i hope that it'll sort itself out in time. I don't actually have any gay friends. It's probly coz i'm too deep in the closet.. Or it may also be because i'm quite straight i think.. (at least to straight ppl.. hehe) But the gay guys can toootally tell that i'm gay. I mean how many straight guys obsess about sex and the city huh? hehe

I wish i had some gay friends to hang out with.. sometimes i find that i have noooo one to talk to about things.. like the latest QAF episode and stuff. I have great friends back home but they're all like engineers and stuff.. talk about booorriinggggg...! My best friend is 'straight' but i am like 90% convinvced that he's gay and doesn't noe it yet.. hehe.. I don't intend to tell anyone about this (at least not now) because i wanna be free to say whatever it is i have on my mind. I really wouldn't mind tho if sumone i knew stumbled upon it... it would make coming out soo much easier.. i think.. so yeah.. if u noe who i am drop me an email... we'll see how good your dick tracy skills are.. :) boy this is a long post.. but don't say i didn't warn you ;)

Hello World

2005-07-20T23:20:00.000+10:00

I promised myself that i would start a blog as soon as i could actually think up an interesting name. I mean evryone else has like nice smart blog names so it can't be thaaaaattt hard right? it's been 2 weeks since then and still no name! that's when it hit me how incredibly uncreative i am. Boy am i a sorry excuse for a queer guy.. sheesh.. Having said that, i have decided to name my blog in honour of my 'uncreativeness'. It was definitely a whoolllee lot easier than coming up with fancy schmancy names.. (btw, about the big word demiurgic? i just thesaurused the word 'creative'.. so yeah, it's just another big word for creative) So here it is... my first post.. I'm thinking nobody'll ever read this blog so this is suucch a waste of time.. but like whatever. At least it'll be like a personal diary thingee.