As the euphoria wears off...
The euphoria of having this new toy is starting to wear off. My dad always said that i have a short aattention span, and guess what? I've proven him right, yet again.
Blogging is definitely not as easy as it seems is it? I'm sure you'd all agree. Especially for orang-yang-kurang-pandai like me, it's such a chore to think of what to write about. What's worse is other ppl would be reading it and u always try your best to make at least sommmeee sense in your blog. hehe.. It's just that nothing interesting ever happens in my life. I mean how interesting can a simple college student's life be anyway? ...without them frat parties and stuff :9
I bet evryone goes thru some days thinking how lonely they are. When i use the word lonely i mean specifically in the context of 'someone' to be with. Ubdoubtably we fill our days up with work and friends and all other things but sometimes u just can't help but wish you had somebody there for you.
I confess that I have never been in love. It's always been me, myself and I. I've never let myself fall for/experiment with girls. I really wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. After all love and sexuality in my opinion are completely separate. I'm pretty sure i'd be able to fall in love with a girl just as easy as i would with a boy. The thing is i have no sexual attraction at all to girls. I always ask my female friends whether they would go out with a gay guy and they'd go like "umm.. noooo... nopes. It'd be weird and it probably just won't work out."
This sucks. I'd sit next to a guy in lectures and my mind would wonder.. how nice it would be if i could lean my head on his shoulders. I'm not in a place where it's all about sex. It's nothing like that.. just someone to hold and talk and cuddle and laugh with. But then my brain tells me like 'helooooooo... what're u thinking... they're all straight!' and i'm alone again, naturally. What's worse is that i'll beat myself up by saying that if i was straight i'm pretty sure that i would've found someone by now and it'd be so much easier :( Some people would say "hey, straight people go thru this tooooo!" but to me it just seems worse for gays when you think about not only how hard it is to find someone, but what more the many other complications like having to hide all this from you family etc.
It's kind of worrying coz i'm so desperate to find a guy that my standards have hit rock-bottom. I'd probly settle for anyone right now.. hehe.... this is nooott goooood.
I read somewhere abt how Harry Potter is gay coz he lives in a closet, and practices 'poofery' hehe.. Well.. i'm harry too.. And it sucks i tell you! Going over to friends places and they pull out frenster and start checkin out the chix and the gurls would be trying to pair me up with their hot frens. both the guys and gals would ask me why i've never dated and they'll start prying about whom i've had a crush on etc. It's just soooo tiring making all of it up! I've come clean with a lot of my close friends.. but some of the frens i noe are just not 'outing' material.
What's the solution to all this?? the most obvious would be to get some gay frens and start meeting ppl. But it's just sooo much more easier said than done. I wouldn't noe where to start! some might think that unless i'm willing to come out of the closet i should stop whining coz it's so much harder to have what u want while still hiding in that almari, but it's so hard to take the plunge.
Welll.. i've bitched enuff about my life. This would be my first official bitch/whine post. Dun worry tho.... i don't expect my blog to be one of them prepertual whining ones.. just the occasional blues here and there.
Blogging is definitely not as easy as it seems is it? I'm sure you'd all agree. Especially for orang-yang-kurang-pandai like me, it's such a chore to think of what to write about. What's worse is other ppl would be reading it and u always try your best to make at least sommmeee sense in your blog. hehe.. It's just that nothing interesting ever happens in my life. I mean how interesting can a simple college student's life be anyway? ...without them frat parties and stuff :9
Recently i've been feeling rather down :(
I bet evryone goes thru some days thinking how lonely they are. When i use the word lonely i mean specifically in the context of 'someone' to be with. Ubdoubtably we fill our days up with work and friends and all other things but sometimes u just can't help but wish you had somebody there for you.
I confess that I have never been in love. It's always been me, myself and I. I've never let myself fall for/experiment with girls. I really wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. After all love and sexuality in my opinion are completely separate. I'm pretty sure i'd be able to fall in love with a girl just as easy as i would with a boy. The thing is i have no sexual attraction at all to girls. I always ask my female friends whether they would go out with a gay guy and they'd go like "umm.. noooo... nopes. It'd be weird and it probably just won't work out."
This sucks. I'd sit next to a guy in lectures and my mind would wonder.. how nice it would be if i could lean my head on his shoulders. I'm not in a place where it's all about sex. It's nothing like that.. just someone to hold and talk and cuddle and laugh with. But then my brain tells me like 'helooooooo... what're u thinking... they're all straight!' and i'm alone again, naturally. What's worse is that i'll beat myself up by saying that if i was straight i'm pretty sure that i would've found someone by now and it'd be so much easier :( Some people would say "hey, straight people go thru this tooooo!" but to me it just seems worse for gays when you think about not only how hard it is to find someone, but what more the many other complications like having to hide all this from you family etc.
It's kind of worrying coz i'm so desperate to find a guy that my standards have hit rock-bottom. I'd probly settle for anyone right now.. hehe.... this is nooott goooood.
I read somewhere abt how Harry Potter is gay coz he lives in a closet, and practices 'poofery' hehe.. Well.. i'm harry too.. And it sucks i tell you! Going over to friends places and they pull out frenster and start checkin out the chix and the gurls would be trying to pair me up with their hot frens. both the guys and gals would ask me why i've never dated and they'll start prying about whom i've had a crush on etc. It's just soooo tiring making all of it up! I've come clean with a lot of my close friends.. but some of the frens i noe are just not 'outing' material.
What's the solution to all this?? the most obvious would be to get some gay frens and start meeting ppl. But it's just sooo much more easier said than done. I wouldn't noe where to start! some might think that unless i'm willing to come out of the closet i should stop whining coz it's so much harder to have what u want while still hiding in that almari, but it's so hard to take the plunge.
Welll.. i've bitched enuff about my life. This would be my first official bitch/whine post. Dun worry tho.... i don't expect my blog to be one of them prepertual whining ones.. just the occasional blues here and there.
posted by KW at 5:46 PM
8 Comments:
LOL I was wondering where you went. Don't worry la, just blog whatever you want. You can think of it as an online diary if you want to.
And it's not always easy even if you DO find a guy. Remember to always, ALWAYS hold out for quality and not the first random guy who expresses interest in you.
I totally agree with wingedman. You are worth more than that so don't just settle for anybody just because ur lonely. I've seen my best friend make that mistake and it was not pretty...
A relationship shouldn't be built on that kind of foundation. That being said, I'm hardly one to talk seeing as my current love life can rival yours in the Kes Kesian department. =P
Cheer up! Don't get yourself down over this for too long. You wouldnt want to get all moody and temperamental and whiny would you? Ppl would start backbitching... kekeke.
Cheers
Spanky "I dont wanna be an andartu either" Bottoms.
1. -hugs-
2. No, blogging can sometimes be a bit of a bloody chore. But nobody ever said you need to post every day. You're not a 13 year old girl with a scented pink diary - write when something comes to you.
3. If you really want to meet people, go online. Honestly. Sites like Gaydar and Gay.com are predominantly about sex, true, but it's not impossible to make friends there. One of my very best friends in London was someone I chatted (but never slept) with.
4. But chill on the relationship front. Honestly, you have plenty of time. PLENTY. There'll be more than enough time to get embroiled in all the complications of relationships. And as the others have pointed out, you need to hold out for something that means something to you, not any random fellow or -gasp- worse, a girl.
5. God, I sound like a patronising old shit.
6. Now snap out of this funk and go have some fun. You're in Australia. It's nice.
1. You don't have to blog everyday, but this took way too long after your last one. Just kidding.
2. You might be surprise at who actually finds college/university life interesting. I am one of them. This is the time when you learn more about (not just academic) but also most importantly, about yourself.
3. Agree totally with with wingedman, spanky and jay. Never, ever date anyone just because you can. Trust us on this. And here's why
4. You should hang out with some gay guys. For this, do what jay suggested - online personals. And I am sure you will find a few nice people there. They do exist, you know!
5. I am also bf-less at the moment. I understand that it can feel pretty lonely some times.
6. That's when you express it all out in your blog. Rant all you want.
7. Hope you've cheered up by the time you read this. ;P
Derek
Hi, 'drew here. I got your blog coz Derek read my blog who was linked from my frd's blog......and bah, too complicated forget it.
Same as you I'm in uni but I'm in Sydney but i totally feel you on the cute-guy-in-lecture-next-to-me thing. I guess we all go through these phases of loneliness eh?! I guess we just have to be patient!
Hola Amigo,
Haven't been here for a long time, coz you were not updating your website!!!
Well, I can feel your pain too! It can be sad to feel lonely. But, somehow life has to go on!
omg... it's 7pm and i'm at home watching satc and eating indo-mie
*slits wrist* hehe
thanks u guys! *hugs to all*!
i think it's just one of them
phases i go thru once in awhile.
hmm... male menstrual cycle.
i dunno if i have the guts to put a personal on them online thingees... what if anyone sees me there.. shit.. i've always been a worry wort. btw.. do u usually post pics on it? *summons the courage to sign up*... and i really must remember abt quality fthe next time i see some hot guy!! writes note to self.
helo 'drew! welcome! another comrade i see? hehe.. how's oxford st.? :D
Hey kitjar.. u better take down the picture of Utt b4 i seriously start stalking u .. :)
cheers,
Future Andartu
Í think most single gay men would understand where you're coming from. It's always so easy to just settle for any random guy - especially since it's slim pickings for us.
Go look for some friends, gay or otherwise.
It's always hard to find something to write for your blog. Certainly no need to write every day. Just write when you feel like it.
Paul
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